The pain of cycling. Part 1 – the handlebars.

Two types of entertainment are possible with the handlebars. You can go uphill, or downhill. Going along the flat doesn’t count for two reasons; firstly, there is no pain and secondly, we haven’t actually done any of this.

Uphill:

What could possibly hurt about cycling a bike uphill? Uphill means you either touch the bars with a feather, a la proper car driving, or you grip with your life, a la Miska. The latter is very effective: as a cocktail shaker all night in the bar; as an impromptu tumble dryer for those great synthetic shirts; as a surgeon’s delight for totally screwed up carpal tunnel syndrome. It is not recommended. So…uphill – those bits between the thumb and forefinger hurt like hell; all your fingers are stuck in an unmovable position for hours. Ask Miska.

Downhill

Downhill is far more entertainment than uphill. Uphill is optional and requires fear to implement. Downhill is compulsory. It is the “handlebar judder”. This isn’t a 1950’s rock’n’roll dance, this is real. Those silky French roads turn to concrete with lumps on as we hurtle down at 40+mph (yes we really do: OK, Lord W does and he has the speedo, so we all do, ok?). The tasteful reaction to this is that the palms go completely numb and fingers once again lock up nicely. So no chance of gripping a pint if the final run of the day ends with a big downhill (not that it ever does. Thanks to A Dalton copyright routes all destinations are guaranteed to be found at the top of Mount Everest’s little sister).